Well today is the day, today is the day I head to the western pat of Michigan for my mini vacation. As I posted yesterday I am not really looking forward to this trip. And as I posted yesterday I think it’s because I am in need of rest, not relaxation. To some the difference may not be seen, but to me it is there. I know I will relax, and over all have a good time, but what I really need is time alone, time off from life. It’s a feeling I have, deep within.
But I will drive to the camp site after working all day, after teaching a class that I truly hate to teach, my mind and spirit will be spent, but I will venture out into the world with the mind-set that I will have a great time. But only time will tell…
I am a believer in the concept that we create what we want, so I know it is truly all up to me if I have a good time or not, so I must change my attitude and be determined to have a great time. It will be hard, but I know the power of “self-talk” the power of a positive attitude, so I will think only happy thoughts, and God willing they will over come me, and in the end, on Monday I will post that my vacation was fantastic. We will see.
I truly hate this feeling, I truly am a positive person, most of the time. For anyone who has read my post over the years will tell you. I love Michigan, I love my family and I love the west coast and the dunes, but some times love is just not enough.
The phrase, sometimes love is just not enough can be used for more than just my love of Michigan, it can be translated in to all aspects of my life. My family. My job and my friends. Love, as we use the word in the english language sometimes just don’t do it.
For example, my brother, whom I do love, and I are on very shaky ground. I love him, but I do not want to have anything to do with him. And to many this concept is lost, as it is to my brother. His thinking is, if I love him, that I should want to be apart of his life, that I should put the past behind me and move on. My thinking is, I love him, I wish him no harm and only the best for him, but I want nothing to do with him. I know that he is not a positive force in my life. I have sins of my own to deal with, I do not needs his added to my life. I struggle with this daily, he may not belive me, but I do. I want a relationship with him, but not the one that he is seeking.
I am looking for forgiveness, yet it is hard for me to find, well at least the kind of forgiveness my brother is seeking. I forgive him, and I love him, but I am finding it hard to forget. To me forgiving and forgetting are two different things.
I can forgive others for the hurt they cause, I can love them, but I do not have to place myself in the position of getting hurt over and over again. And that is where I am with my brother. I have tried to explain this to him, but to no avail.
He is now a “Christian” and no longer a “Catholic”, and according to his current belief, forgive nad forget are one-in-the-same. According to him, my faith, the one true faith, is anything but. According to him, he can keep doing as he pleases because he is “saved”, you know the whole “Once saved, always saved” concept.
I get lost with that concept, I just can’t get my mind around it, to me it’s like saying once I say I am saved, I than have a free ride to do as I please, because I am always saved, so I can toss out my moral and just do as I please. And to me that is how my brother acts. And I do not want to be around that type of person, brother or no brother…
So sometimes love may not be enough, or maybe it is out of love that I refuse to deal with him. He has a lot to prove to me before I am willing to open back up to him, and to have him in my life. But he don’t see it that way, to him I should open up first and the proof will come later. Thats a no go with me. So we are at ends with each other, but such is life.