The gift of grudge


2316677591_6654e4ce6f With Mothers Day upon us, it is time to reflect on our mother, both earthly and those that are no longer with us. The other day I posted a blog about having parents, or better yet, the blog was tong in cheek about needing to prove I had parents on my birth certificate. But it did cause me a moment to stop and reflect upon them. Both my parents have passed on, my dad has been gone some thirteen years and my mom has been gone four years or so.

As a child of parents, as we all are, the loss of a parent is difficult at best. But the loss of the surviving parent is even harder. It is at this point that I think you realize that your life is not indefinite that you too will one day pass on. I was heart broken when I lost my dad, I felt a section on my life drift away. But I still had my mom there to feel that connection to life, that connection to my being. It was in-fact them that brought me into being, working in cooperation with God. So with the loss of them both, so in a way, I saw the death of my creators. I saw an end of a time of walking on earth with my loving parents, who out of love created me, loved me, even when I deserved no love. I saw my earthly parents parish from this life, and God willing enter in to the next.

It is kind of ironic that I had to search for and find my birth certificate that listed my mom and dad’s names. That I had to prove that they existed. Life has a way of calling our attention to facts at odd moments. God does work in mysterious ways. At this point in time my relationships with my siblings are strained at best. The one I am closest to, my sister, we have not truly talked to each other is over two months, my other sister and I have not talked since my mothers passing and my brothers, well its a strange relationship at the best of times.

It is sad that we all do not get along, that past issues prevent us from maintaining a relationship today. Some of it is me, I know, and some of it them. It is shared equally between us. Each of us have a little bit of our mother in us. Mom was able to hold a grudge up until the end. She only had one sibling, a sister, they had not talked to each other in over 20 years. And in truth it started over a silly painting that was hung in my mom and dads bedroom. Salt was added to the wound when my dad passed away and my moms sister could not find it in her heart to send a card with even a hint at tenderness. All five of us children seemed to receive this “gift” from our mother.

We all seem to be able to hold onto a grudge for years, and as we all know, the longer we hold the grudge the deeper the roots get. My dad use to always say that mom could remember dates, times and exact conversations so she could bring them all back up in a fight. She held on to them all, just incase. Was this true, well sort of, she did have a good memory, and she did use her ability to recall facts. And at times it did seem that she kept them just incase she needed them to win an argument. But who knows…

But back to the blog…

So I found it kind of interesting that at a time in my life, in fact for the first time in my life, my relationship with my brothers and sisters are as such, that I currently am not enjoying a positive and happy one with any of them. It saddens me that this is the case. I enjoy family, but I do not enjoy the stress and strain that sometimes comes with it. And in a way the politics of families is even more confusing and dangerous that the politics of the country. The politics of the country are all played out for an end, they have reasons for what they do, they have an end in mind. But family politics, well that’s a whole different monster, often times the politics are played out with no end in mind. The end game never seems to happen and the parties involved just dig in deeper. This seems to be the case with me and my other siblings. Once again, I know that some of it is my doing, I am not claiming to be an innocent by-stander. No, i know full-well what I have done and have not done. I know where I have tried and where I have failed or not tried at all.

But the past week has caused me to pause and think, to ponder the facts and to reflect upon the nature of family. The fact that I am preparing to travel to India for two weeks has caused me to think. Normally I would be in contact with my one sister, asking for her help in watching over my house or just talking about how excited I am about the trip, I love to travel. But this time around, no such conversation took place. I have someone to watch my house, truth be told I always have someone to watch it, I as a neighbor to check up on it, and I have a nephew who lives her, so he will make sure the dog is feed and plants have water. So in truth she is not needed to watch my house. I just felt better knowing that my sister was overseeing it all. Normally my sister would also keep me up-to-date concerning her life, but this past week she was in the DC area, and I had no idea, I was never told. Not that she has to tell me, but normally she would have, normally she would have even asked if I wanted to come along. 

So the gift of grudge holds strong in my family, its a gift that just seems to keep on giving. recently I went to confession for the first time in years. It was an experience that I will enjoy again, and on a more regular bases, I felt the warmth love of God filling my soul and spilling over into my heart. I felt the healing grace of God and knew I had to start to make changes in my life. So I started, I have invited all my siblings to the graduation party for my nephew. Even the ones that I truly do not want to see.  Don’t know if this is a good idea or not, because some may not come because the others will be there, so it may end up that none of them come.

I also am trying to learn that I too must change, that I too need to let go and to grow. But it is a hard lesson for me. The ironic part is that in the process of letting go and in growing that may truly mean that the my relationships with my family my never be the same, that I may never have a relationship with them again.  But if its because I have grown and I have truly let go of all the grudges, well than that’s ok, that’s just life. But on the flip side of the coin, this process of growing and letting go may bring us all closer together, who knows. All I know is that I need to let go and I need to grow. So more confessions for me and more soul searching in the very near future. As for my brothers and sisters, well all I can do is offer up my prayers and keep an open door. As of now the door is open, but only a little, I still have it blocked.

My mom gave us many wonderful gifts, she was a kind person with a big heart. She was understanding and loving. The whole holding a grudge thing, well I think that was a gift from her mother… But that truly is a whole different blog. As for this blog, well I just want to say:

I miss my mother most at times like this, at times  when I need her hugs and understanding, and her words of truth. I miss her most when I prepare to leave on trips, she was always so happy and excited for me. They were times when I knew I made her proud of me. I miss her most when my heart is heavy with sadness or confusion and I miss her most when I an filled with joy and wonder. My mom was my best friend, and someone I knew I could count on to always tell me the truth, no matter the hurt that may come with it. I respected her and loved her for that gift.  This mothers day I will offer up a special prayer, a prayer to my mother that she may still look over me and still tell me all that I need to hear. I will offer up a prayer filled with deep pain in the loss of her and filled with a deep love that can not be filled by anything upon this earth. I will ask God to bless her soul and to bring her home to him. I will pray that my moms love is never ending and that I may continue to feel her working in my life. I will pray that my love for her will only grow and never diminish.  This mothers day I give to my mom  the only gift I can, I will give the gift of love and devotion. A gift of my self and my actions. A gift of my thoughts and my being.

Mom, I miss you and love you!

Your loving son

Paul

Confessions (Penguin Classics)
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Colossians 4:5-6“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

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About Paul Sposite

Paul Sposite - Life Coach I began my career as an instructor. As an instructor there are two basic requirements. You have to know yourself, so you know where you’re drawing your inspiration from. And you have to actively listen to the others, and then respond to the subtext of what they are saying. In learning about myself I started to focus a lot on my students, how they learned, what questions they were asking and how I could best modify my methods to best serve them. I believe that if you use your real life problems/issues as insights to the issues you need to heal, you’ll grow. From my experience in the classroom, creating curriculum and material to support my training, I developed an interest in how people process information. This interest turned into my interest in Life Coaching.
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