Today I am all wired up, literally. Last week I had my annual physical, part one, I went in to give blood and have all the required test run on me. One of the tests was an EKG. Well I guess the EKG came back a little off, so now I am wearing a 24 hour monitor. What fun that is, I have little probes taped to my chest, and what looks like one of the old fashion tape players we had back in the 80’s slung over my shoulders. I return it all today, so that’s a good thing, but sleeping last night was not fun, and no shower this morning is not how I want to start my day. But such is life.
To tell the truth, I am not overly concerned about this test. I have prayed to God asking him to protect me and take whatever is wrong and remove it from me, but I also told him that if that is not in his plan than fine, I will than offer up whatever suffering as a gift from God. I will use it to learn and to grow. Sounds good, sounds like a good little Catholic, but can I do it, will I be strong enough to follow through on my prayer?
That really is what it all comes down to, will I have the strength to honor God as I have promised to do. That scares me more than whatever may be wrong with me. Whatever I have I will deal with, but will I be able to lean on God, will I be able to trust in him? These are the questions for life or death, God will not condemn me for having a bad heart, but he will condemn me for being a bad heart.
My physical heart may not be working as the doctors think it should (we don’t know yet, that’s why I am all wired up) but my spiritual heart better be in tip top shape. God will look at and care for my spiritual being, and the earthly doctors will look at and care for my physical being. Me I am more concerned about my spiritual being. Yes I know that my physical being is a mess, I am over weight, I love junk food, I hate exercise and the list can go on… I also know that I must do something about that my physical being is a gift from God, and that I need to look after and take care of this gift. But in truth, it’s just no fun for me, I would rather read a good book, or work on what I plan to do for my next business adventure. To me that’s enjoyment, to others it is work. Exercise, to me, is not enjoyable, but it is something that I know I have to do. And each week I tell myself I will start, but never do. But all this is for another blog…
Last night as I tried to sleep with this Star Trek recorder attached to me, I had a few strange dreams, and one of them woke me up, I was a little shaken up and my mind was racing. What woke me up was I heard my name being called. Who ever called me sounded scared and in despair. Once I was up from this odd little dream, I started thinking and praying.
I was talking to my Mom, I needed her comforting voice in my ear, but last night I did not hear it. There is a lot of crap going on in my life at this moment and I just wanted to hear her voice telling me it will all be ok soon. But it was not hears, and in truth I not sure it will all be ok soon. But that’s ok; I know that God has a plan.
But this all brings me back to the basic question; will I be strong for God when I need to be, or will I be scared and week? I guess I will never know, until the time comes, until than I will keep praying for the grace of God to fill me and for Jesus to walk with me.