I have no motivation today, I want to accomplish nothing, and that most likely is what I will do. I just don’t seem to have the get-up-and-go, it seems to have gotten-up-and-gone. Some of it I blame on my chronic fatigue and low thyroid, but mostly I blame it on my outlook.
Another year of our religious programming has started, this is the 4th year of running STATIC at my parish, and in truth, and I really don’t want to be there.
Here is the issue:
I hate the politics at the Church, and I hate the fact that I hate it. Let me try to explain. I deal with politics daily, at my regular job, as we all do, and over the last 3 years I have put up with it at the Church, for the most part. But this year, it’s different; it’s eating at my heart and making it hard to swallow. I love the kids, and look forward to seeing them, and I keep telling myself it’s all for the kids (and it is) but man, sometimes I just want to say “That’s it, I’m gone”. Now I am sure if I did that, a few would be upset and a few families may even leave the parish, but in the end, they would find someone to replace me and all would be good. Fact is the powers that be at the parish would have a party; they would be celebrating the fact that I was gone. And in truth, in some way so would I. I would be celebrating the end of the controlling office freak, the spineless priest and basic politics of faith. And in truth I would be happy for the year. No religious education for the first time in 19 years, I could use the break. But I also know that I would be waiting to find my next parish, a new place to call home. I know I would miss it, it has become a part of me, and it defines me and in some ways completes me. But man, all that political bull has to stop!
So why do I stay, why not take one year off? The kids… My sister would tell me that’s just an excuse, and she is right, it is. But it is a valid one, one that has meaning and purpose. It is for them that I do what I do, put up with what I put up with. They are the reason my partner and I created STATIC to begin with, and they are the reason I stick with it, the reason I put up with all the bull crap. It is the youth of the parish that makes it feel like home.
Truth be told, I am looking for a replacement, someone to run the program for me. I have a feeling that if I left ½ of the bull crap would go away. I truly feel that the powers that be think of me as a problem, one that they cannot control, so it must be destroyed. And in some ways they are exceeding, my resolve is growing weaker, and my ability to let it roll off my back is getting harder and harder to do. It seems that we cannot win, we try to play the game the way they want it played, and then they change the rules, or worst yet, the whole game. And we have to start all over.
But I will not let them get to me; I will continue to keep my eye on the prize! This is not the END-GAME, but rather this is only the beginning. The youth of our faith must have a voice, and I for one will give it to them, I will create an environment where the youth are celebrated and treated with respect. Not treated as garbage collectors and hall clean up staff. Really all I want is for the youth to get the same respect as the adults, nothing more, and nothing less.
But there are days I have to question myself, Am I the one to do this, and I the one who can make the change happen? Only God knows, and he aint telling me. But I have to believe that I am part of the solution, that God does have a part for me to play in all this. Only time will tell…
So why am I tiered, why do I feel like I want to do nothing, maybe because that is the energy I am getting from my parish family (or at least the only energy I am picking up on). Maybe it’s my body saying stop all this and just concentrate on the kids.
What I think I need is a weekend retreat, a time to refuel and to clear my mind. But that won’t happen now that STATIC has started; my weekends are all taken up (our programming in on Sunday nights). And besides, I will still be thinking about it all, it’s what I do. For good or bad, it is what it is. And to tell the truth, this Sunday night, when I see my kids, I will be as happy as I always am, and I will know that I am fighting the good fight. The one they cannot fight for themselves.
So say a prayer for me, ask Jesus to comfort me and Mary to hold me tight in her loving arms, ask the saints to say a prayer for me and pray that God will keep me, and in time reveal him plans for me.